Things were going well for a while. Every day there were increasing moments of normality, where the tremor of anxiety was almost stilled. There were even moments of almost carefree happiness, fun and joy.

Yesterday, however, I woke with a sense of great unease. It seemed to come from no where. I couldn’t identify a trigger.

It grew rapidly into a state of inexplicable distress and pain, tight across my chest, and heavy in my stomach. It felt unbearable. My thoughts became dark and self destructive.

I dug my fingernails deep into my palms. I made a fist punched my thigh.  Physical pain to block out the emotional pain.

I meditated – a few minutes of quiet relief.

When the rain stopped I went for a walk. There were brief moments where the winter landscape was able to distract me from the pain.

I went to dinner with my partner and for an hour or so felt calm again. But then the unease started to grow again, so rapidly it began to overwhelm me. I felt like I was suffocating and couldn’t wait to get home.

Home again I curled up on the couch and silently dug my nails into my palms as hard as I could.


2 thoughts on “Pain

  1. ((Hugs))

    I wonder if it’s anxiety about facing your problems? Because you’re trying to overcome it by going to therapy and dealing with it, the part of your brain that caused it to happen, that wants you to go and hide from it all and curl up in a safe nest, is afraid of the process of change required by that therapy. Just a possibility, but I have heard that can happen.

    It doesn’t mean you will be like that forever. That’s my fear when I get a fresh attack when I thought I was starting to get over it. And then it all blends in with the old attacks and feels like you’ve always been like that and always will be, but that is not true. You will get out of this. Hopefully soon, but even if it takes longer than you want, it will not be like this forever.

    And you’re not alone going through it. It’s tough, but you are stronger than you realise. You’ve been carrying this heavy load for so long and it can hurt to put it down. You don’t feel strong, you feel weak because you could no longer cope, but maybe nobody else would have coped for as long as you did? Which means you are stronger than you think. If you could carry the load for so long, you can let it go now it is time. You have help, you are not alone.

    Don’t try to rush the process and put more pressure on yourself because you feel you should be recovering faster, that isn’t how it seems to work. You will have times where it feels back to normal and times when it is as bad as ever. And times when it is there but not quite as bad. Unfortunately it isn’t just a switch ‘back to normal’ oh how I wish it was! Don’t give up.

    • Thank you so much for your comment, it’s reassuring to know that others have been here and that its a normal process. It does sometimes feel like I”m trapped in this state and nothing will change, but I know things will eventually. I think you might be right about some of this being about facing my problems – I went to counselling the day before and, even though that seemed to go okay, I do find it stirs things up for a while after.

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