Things were going well for a while. Every day there were increasing moments of normality, where the tremor of anxiety was almost stilled. There were even moments of almost carefree happiness, fun and joy.
Yesterday, however, I woke with a sense of great unease. It seemed to come from no where. I couldn’t identify a trigger.
It grew rapidly into a state of inexplicable distress and pain, tight across my chest, and heavy in my stomach. It felt unbearable. My thoughts became dark and self destructive.
I dug my fingernails deep into my palms. I made a fist punched my thigh. Physical pain to block out the emotional pain.
I meditated – a few minutes of quiet relief.
When the rain stopped I went for a walk. There were brief moments where the winter landscape was able to distract me from the pain.
I went to dinner with my partner and for an hour or so felt calm again. But then the unease started to grow again, so rapidly it began to overwhelm me. I felt like I was suffocating and couldn’t wait to get home.
Home again I curled up on the couch and silently dug my nails into my palms as hard as I could.