The Red Couch

For a moment this morning, I thought I was getting better. Even though I woke from nightmares several times last night,  I was able to, quite quickly, slip back into sleep. I felt tense, and agitated, but without the aching distress I’ve been enduring for the past ten days.

Today there’s no ache. I’m just cranky. Cranky and irritated and really really grumpy. I’m feeling better than I did.

But the thing is, getting better scares me, because that means people will expect me to do things, and for the moment at least, I don’t want to go back to my life. I don’t think I can hack it. I just want to stay here on the red couch.

I  was reassured by the crying spell I had when I tried to get breakfast. I couldn’t decide: toast or cereal? It really difficult trying to choose, to the point where I became overwhelmed, I could feel the panic rising within me, there were tears. And in the end I returned to my couch where I’m not required to think or choose or do.

There was also the moment, when I couldn’t figure out what to put on my feet. It’s a cold day today. I’m wearing socks, but I wasn’t sure what to put over the top. Options are my ugg boots, which will be cozy on a day like today or my little ankle boots, which will be better if I go out somewhere.  Making a choice was starting to stress me out, so,  I’m back on the couch, with cold feet, and hungry because its midday and I still haven’t had breakfast.

It seems ridiculous, even to me, to be in such a state of paralysis when it comes to making choices about inconsequential things. And, I’m ashamed of it. I mean, geez, its not as if the outcome really matters.

So that all feeds back into the whole depression. Negative thoughts begetting more negative thoughts.

I do have a plan for getting off the couch. I know EXACTLY what I’m going to have for lunch and I’m looking forward to it. A few weeks ago, I slow cooked pulled pork, and froze the left overs into lunch size portions. Warmed in the microwave and toasted in a sandwich with some tomato and salad makes a pretty fantastic winter lunch.

I’m also thinking that I might put some washing on. In fact, I will. So that’s going to be step 2.

Plan for leaving and staying off the couch:

Step 1: Make lunch

Step 2: Eat lunch (at the dining table, not on the couch)

Step 3: Put on washing.

Hmm, and while I’m up, I’ll go and put my ugg boots on.

Find support for depression or anxiety at Beyond Blue

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7 thoughts on “The Red Couch

  1. Thanks for being so open and candid Corisel. I have friend going through similar feelings. Do you have any suggestions regarding what someone can do to help/love someone going through this? Thanks for providing insight. I know that overwhelming feeling. May you find your inner strength and find the healing you desire.

  2. Pingback: Empathy, Connection and Respect – Supporting People with Depression | oneregard

  3. Unfortunately for me I can totally relate to all this, including the annoying indecisiveness over what to eat or wear! Anxiety is a pain. I always have cereal for breakfast, but lunch can paralyse me and I often skip it. If I don’t have to go out, I don’t get up. I can even relate to the guilt over wondering if it’s real or if you’re imagining it and the fear of getting well because then you have to cope with life again. You are not alone! (And it is real)
    Plans are good, especially ones with baby steps. Celebrate small successes. You’ve managed to blog about it, which is way better than hiding in a safe nest, and you’re looking into getting help. I hope you can get better quicker than me 🙂

    • Hi Knotrune, I’m so glad you took the time to read and comment. It’s so reassuring to read that you have similar experiences – though I’m sorry that you do. It makes it more normal and less scary. I like your suggestion for plans with baby steps and to celebrate the small successes. I’ll try to do that some more.

      Thanks again,
      Corinne

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