For a moment this morning, I thought I was getting better. Even though I woke from nightmares several times last night, I was able to, quite quickly, slip back into sleep. I felt tense, and agitated, but without the aching distress I’ve been enduring for the past ten days.
Today there’s no ache. I’m just cranky. Cranky and irritated and really really grumpy. I’m feeling better than I did.
But the thing is, getting better scares me, because that means people will expect me to do things, and for the moment at least, I don’t want to go back to my life. I don’t think I can hack it. I just want to stay here on the red couch.
I was reassured by the crying spell I had when I tried to get breakfast. I couldn’t decide: toast or cereal? It really difficult trying to choose, to the point where I became overwhelmed, I could feel the panic rising within me, there were tears. And in the end I returned to my couch where I’m not required to think or choose or do.
There was also the moment, when I couldn’t figure out what to put on my feet. It’s a cold day today. I’m wearing socks, but I wasn’t sure what to put over the top. Options are my ugg boots, which will be cozy on a day like today or my little ankle boots, which will be better if I go out somewhere. Making a choice was starting to stress me out, so, I’m back on the couch, with cold feet, and hungry because its midday and I still haven’t had breakfast.
It seems ridiculous, even to me, to be in such a state of paralysis when it comes to making choices about inconsequential things. And, I’m ashamed of it. I mean, geez, its not as if the outcome really matters.
So that all feeds back into the whole depression. Negative thoughts begetting more negative thoughts.
I do have a plan for getting off the couch. I know EXACTLY what I’m going to have for lunch and I’m looking forward to it. A few weeks ago, I slow cooked pulled pork, and froze the left overs into lunch size portions. Warmed in the microwave and toasted in a sandwich with some tomato and salad makes a pretty fantastic winter lunch.
I’m also thinking that I might put some washing on. In fact, I will. So that’s going to be step 2.
Plan for leaving and staying off the couch:
Step 1: Make lunch
Step 2: Eat lunch (at the dining table, not on the couch)
Step 3: Put on washing.
Hmm, and while I’m up, I’ll go and put my ugg boots on.
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